Saturday, January 29, 2005

What does it mean to be me, now?

What does it mean to be me, now?

How many times have I asked myself this or similar questions? Who will I be when I grow up? Do I want to grow up?

Having a heart attack is a highly underrated and very effective form of radical life transformation. I had a mild heart attack on June 3, 2004 and nothing will ever be the same. Hallelujah!

In a couple of days, my employment relationship will change as a result of my own decision. After running a manufacturing company for twelve years and Executive Administrator for a large ministry for the past three and a half years, I am venturing out on my own! I have wrestled with this decision for a long time and might be wrestling still but life kept pushing. Finally, I could no longer ignore the pains of pushing. It is time to birth this next phase of living. Birth, as we all know, is not without its messes.

Many people have asked what my plans are. And I say, I am not exactly sure yet. I deliberately move forward into the mystery of my life. My intention is to remain focused on this moment. I have had some guidance that I won’t necessarily be doing any one thing or job. I have also had guidance that God is going to eliminate my indebtedness, for which I am grateful beyond words. I had gotten into debt as the manufacturing company went under and then subsequently owed the IRS a fairly large sum as well. But that is a story for another entry.

I have more than 20 years of experience with computers & networks and more recently with the Internet. I have started to study in order to become a Microsoft Certified Professional (MCSE). This is the direction I am currently being led as far as generating cash flow. Spirit is also nudging me that I will find cash flowing as a result of doing what I am guided to do. So whatever that means. I readily accept the abundance that is pouring into my life now.

And in the midst of all of the rest of this change, I met and began dating someone early in January. He is a very sweet, kind and gentle man. And I am having the opportunity to move through stuff I didn’t realize I had about being relationships.

There are several ideas/concepts that keep cropping up in my reading, musing, wandering, thinking. It feels somehow like these ideas are ingredients in an emerging stew or broth. It feels like my life is morphing into something be very different as I approach fifty.
  • Working with, developing and listening to inner guidance, the Voice for God and teaching other people about having a moment-by-moment experience of God. This is about becoming a mystic and there is nothing else that I do that is nearly as important.
  • I am a mystic, shaman, teacher, minister and healer. I am he who walks between worlds!
  • Loving myself unconditionally - the journey has finally begun.
  • Solitude, exploring the center of me, living in my power.
  • Bridge building between gay and straight folks. We must learn that we are all the same, we are truly One!
  • Writing, workshops and public speaking.
  • Healing and wholeness. The past 15 years have been a wild rollercoaster journey that has deposited me in a foreign and exciting place.
  • More friends for sharing the journey.
  • Gay men’s work - Inner child work – and whatever else arises for my own wholeness and in terms of some of my life work.
  • Integration of spirituality & sexuality. I have been feeling like I should focus more of my energies within the queer community. Although I also want to avoid a self-made ghetto. There is interesting work being done by many different groups and people in the areas of reclaiming our spirituality. I am sensing that there is a group or teacher that I will be collaborating with in some way.
  • Ministry - what does it mean to minister? Who and where am I called to serve.
  • Increased focus on what is real and important – less distraction or investment in things that are distracting.
  • A simpler, more focused and sustainable way of being
  • Becoming the make equivalent of a crone (after I learn what that is.)
  • Physical health/walking/diet!
  • Integration/inclusion of my body in my life. Reconnecting with myself physically – I seem to have disassociated myself from the physicality at some point.
  • Demonstrating/teaching what I hold to be true

    Living, moving, loving Spirit of All,

    I surrender.
    I do not know how or where You are leading me.
    I am dependent on You and trusting that You are guiding me.
    The ground is no longer clearly visible,
    I feel like I am standing on the edge of something.
    Help me stay centered and focused.
    I know that You provide everything I require to do the work You are calling me to do.
    For too long, I have held myself back. You have been calling to me for many years and I have only listened and responded partially.
    The past is past.
    Now is the time and I have begun already.
    Thank You for the intimacy of our relationship.
    Thank You for expressing Yourself in me and as me.
    I have no idea where we are headed, God.
    Lead the way and I will follow.

    Copyright © 2005 by Richard L. Beattie – all rights reserved

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