Thoughts

Grateful for a long talk today with my dear friend and teacher Martha Creek. Helpful for me to remain open to the possibility in every moment of this experience of my mother's transition.

Grateful for a call from Jim Lee this afternoon. Jim has been my boss, colleague, mentor and friend over the years.

This afternoon my calendar notified me that my mother would be staying with me from tonight through Monday. Originally the plan was for mom to stay with me so that Dion and Jeremy could enjoy Easter weekend away. It is interesting to me how much can change in one week. Last Thursday, I took mom to see Dr. Barnes so mom could see if she had a cold.

When I got to my sister's house around 5:30 this afternoon my family had already gathered, I love their energy as I came into the house. When I went to see mom, I noticed that she seemed much farther away. She rallied a couple of times when I was with her one-on-one, but my sense is she is pulling away from this dimension. I know it is the right and perfect way of it. After saying a prayer of blessing for her journey, I said I love you. She opened her eyes for a moment and then seemed to drift away. Still present but smaller ...

Musical Moments & More

Mom has always loved music and she has shared a lot of music with  us over the years. I also have an eclectic and far ranging interest in music. I heard this song called "EYE" by the group Brandi Carlisle on SiriusXM Coffee House  a few months ago. One day it came on the radio when I was driving mom to a doctor appointment and she loved it. So I got would play it for he on Youtube and she would sing along. Tonight, I streamed the  song while I was sitting with her and she sang parts of the chorus. "You can dance in a hurricane, but only if you're standing in the eye."

 

Occasionally over the last few months mom would ask me to play some songs for her, often Cat Stevens or Elton John. We would sit ant my house and I'd cast Youtbube to the TV and she would listen and laugh. I shared many groups that she had not heard of like HomeFree -  a favorite of mine who sing country acapella. She likes their version of Ring of Fire

There was a VeggieTales song popular when my three nieces, Ashley, Alicia and Jordan were small called "A Bushel And A Peck" that was a kids version of the musical from Guy's and Dolls. Mom would sing the Doris Day song with the girls adding a few lyrics of her own and they all loved it. This evening while sitting with mom, I started to sing the song and she opened her eye and then sang along.

I am grateful for today's moments and memories with mom and also grateful for the presence of family gathered in conversation and sharing a meal as we hold a space for mom. Many in their turn sitting with mom and sharing love. Love my family.

The First Tough Night

Dion called me early this morning to tell me that mom had a rough night last night. Mom is weaker and last night was her fifth night without dialysis.

On Monday the nurse had told me that because of mom's renal failure that things could probably progress  quickly. The body is unable to deal with the waste products and they build up in the system. What I know is that my mother will pass right on time.

Mom has seemed more at peace than anytime in the last two years. She's also been enjoying eating many of the things that she hasn't been able to eat such as a hot fudge sundae and having a glass of milk with a sandwich. In some ways her appetite has been better than it has been for a while.

My task has been to keep my mind in the moment. Not projecting what I think comes next, being present to what is here and now. I'm grateful for the tools of the work in the way that modality is alive in me.

I'll go out to see mom after work today.

Monday Morning With Mamma

Porkchop and I are spending the day sitting with mom so that Dion can get some things accomplished.

Duane and Randy came by which was very sweet. Got a chance to meet mom's hospice nurse and the social worker. Both are very nice.

No matter what I might think I want to talk about with my mother, she doesn't really want to talk. She's chased several people out of her room who want to get too teary and sappy. I think I have just known better.

My mother and I have had plenty of times to talk over the last three years. Talk about the end of life, reminisce about the odd and quirky and strange things that we've done. Moving on sleds one time and her struggle to raise us. I have let my mother know many times how much I appreciate her and how often I have wondered how she managed to get by and she has told me how much she loves me.

I was thinking we might talk some today but mom is sleeping peacefully and Porkchop is laying up on her bed with her.  I tried to write a little and read a little and keep my mind in the moment.

Late afternoon and Ashley and Alicia come by to visit with their grandma. Mostly we visit  my sister, her girls and me. I understand our brother Darrin will be home later today, and I wonder how he's been feeling once again being on the road when things shift.

Not sure what the next few days hold, but today all is well.

Mom and hospice is now real.

I went out and hung out with mom, Dion, and our cousin Jolene. I took some food from Hollywood market. Some chicken and stuffing and gravy, mom and I ate a bit together. Then she wanted to go back to bed she said her back hurts when she sitting up.

Seeing the medication on the table brought home the fact that it's now very real, that mom is in care of hospice. The shift from the pile of medication in the process of dialysis which have kept her alive for three years now gives way to peace and comfort.

I ponder the question, "My mother has stopped dialysis, and that means_______?"

Enough! Mom Makes The Decision

The day we have known was coming arrived today. My mother, Deanna Beattie, has been dealing with the effects of end-stage renal failure for about four years.

Initially the diagnosis precipitated big changes in mom's diet. By altering her diet, we were able to hold off the need for dialysis for a urinary half. There are many things that she enjoys that were not on the allowed list: ice cream, nuts, milk, cheese, tomatoes  and whole grains. So we went to a dietitian as a family and got an education about phosphorus, potassium and kidney disease. And try to help mom eat healthy.

In the fall of 2012, we began a new journey. One with a new language, new skills  and new people to help us. And I say us because the whole family has been involved in this journey at some level. Dr. Clyne had advised me to take mom to an informational meeting at Davita to learn about the various treatment options for end-stage renal failure, meaning dialysis.

During the meeting we learned that there were five treatment options:

1. Traditional renal dialysis, meaning in a center on a machine three times per week.
2. Renal dialysis at home, which involves always having a partner to insert the needles and your arm.
3. Peritoneal dialysis (which is a process whereby the peritoneal membrane in the abdominal cavity is used to perform dialysis, performed at home often by the patient.
4. Peritoneal dialysis performed in a center with assistance.
5. Hospice care. 

I remember when mom and I came out of the informational meeting, which was at Davita here in Rochester Hills, and got in the car she looked at me and asked,  "How did this happen to me?" We talked about diabetes and blood pressure and too much salt in processed food and all the things that we're told contribute to kidney failure. Truth is that we have a very high per capita rate of kidney failure in the United States.

After that meeting and our conversation, mom decided to try peritoneal dialysis at home. When it came time. Little did we know that the time would come very quickly.

During November and December and into January were talking the end of 2012, mom who hospitalized five times. And although her numbers didn't indicate that the need for dialysis was eminent, over the hospitalizations was discovered that mom needed dialysis so we began to make plans.

During the the Christmas holiday time of 2012, there was a particularly bad night for mom. She had gotten pneumonia and the infection had gone septic in her system. We had spent the night in the emergency room waiting to see if mom would pull through. I had set with her all night watching and listening to the sounds of the hospital and the sounds of care around us. Praying wondering if mom would pull out of this or if this was the end of things. In the morning at it all around nine or 10 o'clock she finally came around, the antibiotics have done a job in the infection was on the decline. And she began to wake up I said mom I'm so glad you're here I thought you might be gone from us. I said I love you. And she asked, "Do you love me  enough to let me go?" I responded,  "Yes when it's time but I'll miss you."

At the beginning of February mom had told Dion early one Friday morning while she got ready for work that she was gonna stop dialysis on her birthday which is 18 February. It happened to be at Dr. appointment day and I was picking mom up so when I got to her house she told me. And then she told Dr. Clyne. The next day she had changed her mind. She had a good day playing games with Ashley and sit up and talking with Dion. I wonder now if she just scared herself.

Yesterday I took mom to see Dr. Barnes because she could hardly breathe. I had been at her house on Wednesday to take her to the doctor but she didn't want to go. So Wednesday night late she called me and she said please get me in to see Dr. Barnes I need to know what's going on with me. She didn't realize if she had a cold or flu, Dion had been sick the week prior. Mom had a very difficult time getting herself ready meaning her coat on and shoes on and then out to the car. I'd never seen it so tough for her to breathe. Congestive heart failure was taken in big time.

On the way to Dr. Barnes office that Thursday, mom looked at me and said I wish God would take me right now. Her blood oxygen level was 73. He asked her she would go to the hospital and she said no. He said I can try and patch you up if you want to be at home, or is it time for other end-of-life decisions. Because mom had talked with him about hospice a couple of times. Mom hung her head and she said I don't know what I want. Making decisions for mom has never been easy, she'd rather somebody else made them her life made the decision.

Today, Mom decided enough is enough. She let Dion and I know that she was going to stop dialysis. The three of us talked for a little while and I asked if that meant it was time to call hospice and mom said yes. She had talked to the folks from hospice a few months earlier so that she understood what would be involved.

Mom seemed to relax after making the decision or at least sharing it with us, I think she was relieved. After Dion and I talked for little while I went in to say good night to mom to let her know that I was going home. I kissed her and said, "I love you mom".A she smiled and looked back at me and said, "I love you, never forget that." I said.  "I won't mom and I want you to know this mom because I know sometimes you wonder doubted it you've been a wonderful mother to me and to all of us. Thank you." I started so sing softly, "I love you a bushel and a peck; a bushel and a pack and a hug around the neck... Mom joined me as good as she could and we sang the little song the Barney song that she had so often sung with her granddaughters.

Tonight we begin a new chapter in the story of Beattieville. I don't necessarily like it. Yet I know it's time for my mom, the struggle is over. God carry us through the next little while.

100 Happy Days - Day 1

Day 1 - Led by our children!

The reason for my Happy on Day #1 is this project launched by Youth and Family Ministry at Unity of Royal Oak yesterday. Thanks April A. Ellenburg! 

We are demonstrating what is possible when people join together for the common good. 

‪#‎UROisHappy‬
#100happydays

Gratitude Days of 2015, Day # 54

Officiating
Maureen & Laura's Marriage

2015 Gratitude Practice, Day 54 - Post ten things (at least) each day w/o duplicating.

1. Grateful for the opportunity to conduct the Burning Bowl & Gratitude Letter using the format that feels right for me.
2. Grateful for the support of our volunteers, musicians and members.
3. Grateful to celebrate this year and looking forward to kicking things up a notch in 2016.
4. I am grateful for being the officiant for Maureen and Laura's marriage tonight.  There are no words to say how much my heart sang asn I mae th pronouncement for these two dear friends who have been together for almost 39 years.
5. Grateful to see Jimmy and Mariah.
6. grateful to see Tracy.
7. Grateful for to see Kim and her lovely daughter.
8. Grateful For friendships that go back 40 years.
9. Grateful for many bridge games and evenings spent together.
10. Grateful that marriage equality is the lay of our land.
11. Grateful for delicious food from Cranks.
12. Grateful for an easy drive home.
13. Grateful for a fantastic year, Thanks God!

Gratitude Days of 2015, Day # 53

2015 Gratitude Practice, Day 53 - Post ten things (at least) each day w/o duplicating.

1. Grateful for Margo walking Dion through resetting the cycler program.
2. Grateful for the doctors giving permission to resume dialysis.
3. Grateful for my sister Dion and her sticking with it even when it has been so hard for her.
4. Grateful that I have learned to hang in even when I cannot do anything to make things easier or better.
5. Grateful for Jeremy being there for Dion.
6. Grateful for Lemon with Ginger Tea.
7. Grateful for Organic Manuka Honey & Ginger lozenges and the way they sooth my throat.
8. Grateful my voice has come back and is getting stronger.
9. Grateful to hear the Julie is feeling stronger and can sing at our New Years Eve Burning Bowl Service
10. Grateful that I can stay home today to prepare the service for tomorrow night because the rest is ready at the church.

Gratitude Days of 2015, Day # 52

Dion  (and I) with Mom in Recovery

2015 Gratitude Practice, Day 52 - Post ten things (at least) each day w/o duplicating.

1. I am grateful that Dr. Yaldo will perform surgery today to install mom's new catheter.
2. I am grateful for Tech toys to play with while mom has surgery.
3. Grateful that Dion and I can bicker abotu stuff and still be okay with it.
4. I am grateful for Ashley & Alicia being here while their grandma has surgery.
5. Grateful that Darrin stopped and saw mom before Dion brought her to the hospital.
6. Grateful for Dr. Yaldo's thoroughness.
7. Grateful for Dr. Christian, the Anesthesiologist
8. Grateful for the cleaning lady who chatted with me about the good old days when we were both in housekeeping at the old Pontiac Osteopathic Hospital.
9. Grateful for mom having no complications.
10. Grateful for Sheilah, the nurse in recovery and her sharing so much information with Dion and I about so many things. She made the waiting easier.

Gratitude Days of 2015, Day # 51

Snow, Sleet & Ice

2015 Gratitude Practice, Day 51 - Post ten things (at least) each day w/o duplicating.

1. Grateful to have the opportunity to talk with my mom's kidney doctor this morning.
2. I am grateful for lemon & ginger tea and the way it is soothing my throat.
3. I am grateful for the electric tea kettle that sits on my counter.
4. Grateful that I have a recliner to sleep in when my coughing got bad early this morning.
5. Grateful for Porkchop's ability to adapt.
6. Grateful that Dion and I were able to get a little food into mom after her blood draw appointment.
7. Grateful that her test results support having the surgery tomorrow.
8. Grateful for remembering to stop at the grocery store and get the essentials before the roads got really slippery.
9. Grateful that there is no reason for me to go out in the storm
10. Grateful for a vivid, lucid dream I had this morning about a friend I have not seen in a long time.
11. Grateful to have a surgeon available and a time for the procedure tomorrow.
12. Grateful for the call from Duane this evening.

Gratitude Days of 2015, Day # 50

Click Image To Read

2015 Gratitude Practice, Day 50 - Post ten things (at least) each day w/o duplicating.

1. I am grateful that we got almost everything printed this morning before it indicated there was no more black ink.
2. Grateful that Judy, Maggie & Steve figured out the sound board challenge.
3. Grateful for the willingness of the team to jump in and find a hardcopy of a report that I had intended to reprint before we ran out of ink.
4. Grateful for the 100 Happy Days project that our kids are part of beginning Jan 11 and grateful that April made a brochure about the program and passed them out to the entire congregation. Click on the image in this post to read more about #UROIsHappy .
5. Grateful for Debby sharing the project on Facebook this afternoon and the positive response.
6. Grateful that Carol knew where the reports were filed.
7. Grateful for a quorum so that we could have an annual meeting this year.
8. Grateful for Carol sharing the background of the end of 2014 and Donna capturing the minutes.
9. Grateful for the quality of questions asked and suggestions made.
10. Grateful for a short, early nap this afternoon so I can stay on my sleep schedule tonight.

Gratitude Days of 2015, Day # 49

Preachin!

2015 Gratitude Practice, Day 49 - Post ten things (at least) each day w/o duplicating

1. Grateful for receiving this photo via email this morning from Bonnie. I had neglected to ask folks to take pictures at service last night. 
2. I am grateful for the times that Spirit has a specific assignment for me and persists until I get it. This morning, I woke up early for a day off and remembered that my friends dog had taken a turn for the worse over Christmas and was being taken to the vet so I called to offer support. No answer so I left a message and texted,
3. Grateful that I got a clear, go now impulse. So I drove to the animal hospital and was able to support my friend who was saying goodbye to the dog.
4. Grateful for Starbucks bold coffee and a few minutes to share and talk about the long journey with this pet and the ultimate clear sign that it was time to release him into the next dimension.
5. Grateful for another nudge today to go work to work in my office for what was ultimately two good reasons.
6. Reason 1. I am grateful to have been abler to meet with a friend who is questioning many things at this point including a long term relationship and the challenges of showing up in their own life in a larger way.
7. Reason 2. I am grateful to have gotten the bulletins done for tomorrow's service. I had been procrastinating and had settled into getting the stuff ready to print at home and then going in early to on Sunday to print.
8. I am grateful for the long conversation April and I had about service tomorrow and her sharing detailed plans for Youth & Family Ministry over the next four months.
9. I am grateful for growing awareness that I am the leader of a team that looks different than I am accustomed to working with and yet is a team that gets the job done.
10. I am grateful that I am getting better at asking for help and delegating items to the team that is here to help. There is still much work for me to do here and I am willing.

Gratitude Days of 2015, Day # 48

Christmas Full Moon Rising

2015 Gratitude Practice, Day 48 - Post ten things (at least) each day w/o duplicating

1. I am grateful for this Christmas Day!
2. Grateful for a conversation with Maryann this morning and for her receiving clarity about her beloved dog Jax.
3. I am grateful for time to reflect on our two Candle Lighting services last night and make notes about next year.
4. I am grateful for a phone call with Cindy and that she is allowing others to help her with this Christmas dinner.
5. I am grateful for the 7 day votive candle burning out front in honor of my father, Grand Mother's Brother's and friends who have moved on from this plane of existence.
6. Grateful for my nephew Eli and his interest in grilling.
7. Grateful for the gathering of most of our family this afternoon.
8. Grateful that I can afford to give my three nieces ane my nephew a decent Christmas gift.
9. Grateful for Jeremy's presence with my sister and in our family.
10. Grateful for a wonderful day, delicious food and love all around.

Gratitude Days of 2015, Day # 47

New Meditation Garden at St Joe's - Oakland

2015 Gratitude Practice, Day 47 - Post ten things (at least) each day w/o duplicating.

1. Grateful for my sister's quick thinking and phone call this morning when mom's catheter came out.
2. Grateful for the closeness of St. Joseph Mercy Oakland Hospital.
3. Grateful for the nurse who was so funny and supportive this morning.
4. Grateful for the new meditation garden at the hospital.
5. Grateful for the many people who immediately responded to my posting on FB asking for prayer.
6. Grateful that mom just seemed to want to sleep through the experience.
7. Grateful for the "green binder" and having a med sheet to give to the nurse.
8. Grateful for Dion's staying at the hospital with mom when I had to leave to get ready for work.
9. Grateful for my sister-in-law Stephanie's mother Patti Cooke's recipe for seafood cocktail and the time to prepare the dish.
10. Grateful for Carol, Liz, Donna ans Cindy all jumping in to get things ready.
11. Grateful for our candle lighting services this evening.
12. Grateful for my friend Judy Lewis' attendance at the 5 pm service and her comment about having wondered if I could set aside my situation with mom and be open to being an instrument and having seen that it it happened beautifully.
13. Grateful for Darrin, Steph and Eli attending the second service and their positive feedback.
14. Grateful for 137 people who joined with us tonight to celebrate Jesus's birth and the movement in consciousness that is Christmas.

Gratitude Days of 2015, Day # 46

My Space!

2015 Gratitude Practice, Day 46 - Post ten things (at least) each day w/o duplicating.

1. Grateful for a wonderful conversation with M this morning about her night with Jax and his relative comfort.
2. Grateful for Saundra Lamb and her gift of sponsoring one of our families to be recipients of the Ford Employees Fund Christmas Outreach.
3. Grateful for the employees at Ford and their gifts for a family that can use them.
4. Grateful for the opportunity to drive over and pick up the gifts and deliver them to the recipient family.
5. I am grateful for remembering to get the fixings for the seafood cocktail that is my contribution to our family Christmas dinner.
6. Grateful for a lovely message from Louis.
7. Grateful for the many people who have sent me Christmas cards.
8. I am grateful for the opportunity to connect with Linda P and to catch up with each other.
9. Grateful to get the bulletins for Christmas Eve finished.
10. Grateful to have another conversation with CJ that was much more upbeat, healing is happening!

Gratitude Days of 2015, Day # 45

2015 Gratitude Practice, Day 45 - Post ten things (at least) each day w/o duplicating.

1. I am grateful for the two young men from the used office equipment store who patiently took my the desk apart to get in into my office.
2. I am grateful to have office furniture.
3. I am grateful for the the possibility of separating work time and home time by shifting soem of my work to my newly updated office.
4. I am grateful that the office is now feeling like my office.
5. I am grateful for Dr. Cory, my friend Maryann's veterinarian.
6. Grateful to be a part of team with Jax today.
7. Grateful for the clear signs from M and the Dr and Jax that today was not his final day because M is not ready.
8. Grateful to be getting better at knowing when to wait and when to speak my opinion.
9. Grateful for the fine family man Ben Johnson has become and our close friendship.
10. Grateful for Steve M. and hie concern for his homeless/alcoholic friend.
11. Grateful that I am sought out as a goto person regarding advice and resources for friends trying to do something about another's drinking, drugging, etc.
12. Grateful to have some suggestions and resources to offer.

Gratitude Days of 2015, Day # 44

A Rug For My Office

2015 Gratitude Practice, Day 44 - Post ten things (at least) each day w/o duplicating.

1. Grateful for having a list of must do tasks this morning.
2. Grateful for getting the flash paper for New Years Eve.
3. Grateful for the happy guy at the magic store with really long locks.
4. Grateful for finding an affordable rug that I liked for my office.
5. Grateful for the food demonstration ladies at Costco.
6. Grateful for the gentleman in the parking lot who helped me get the rug into my car.
7. Grateful that an image of my office finished is finally forming in my mind.
8. Grateful for lunch that cost 1.59 @ Costco and thoughts of Patti Olds as I ate.
9. Grateful that our new tables are light enough for me to schlep around solo.
10. Grateful for dinner with a friend.
11. Grateful for tonight being the Winter Solstice so the days can start lengthening again.

Gratitude Days of 2015, Day # 43

A Message for CJ  Recorded  During Service

2015 Gratitude Practice, Day 43 - Post ten things (at least) each day w/o duplicating.

1. Grateful for the talk I delivered today that flowed easily and brought a good message.
2. Grateful for a relaxed morning.
3. Grateful for Carol and Donna getting the replacement candles to fit in the Advent wreath.
4. I am grateful for the music this morning especially for Stacey's bringing Breath of Heaven in a powerful and emotional way.
5. Grateful for new blue slacks.
6. Grateful for lunch with Marianne and Carson at Hamlin Corner.
7. Grateful for a nap with Porkchop when I got home.
8. Grateful to now focus on Christmas Eve which is the next "hurdle."
9. Grateful for the pasties I bough on an excursion with mom a  few weeks ago and for having frozen some. Tasty dinner.
10. Grateful for the response of our congregation to our giving tree (bins.)

Gratitude Days of 2015, Day # 42

CJ Being Silly

2015 Gratitude Practice, Day 41 - Post ten things (at least) each day w/o duplicating.

1. Grateful to have gotten cards out to my niece and her family in Alabama.
2. Grateful to not Christmas Shop (I buy gift cards and write checks)
3. Grateful to have finally opened all the cards I got for my birthday. So much love!
4. Grateful to have slept in until after 7.
5. Grateful for a telephone call from CJ who had surgery a few days ago.
6. Grateful to have finally figured out how the new Mailchimp Unity branded template works.
7. Grateful to have gotten the weekly (soon to be monthly - I think) email news out.
8. Grateful for time to work on  tomorrow's talk.
9. Grateful for the way my feet feel because I remembered to put lotion on them for several days in a row .
10. Grateful for the opportunity to go to bed early.